


Thousand Times

by CreepyLittleLullaby



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depressed Eren Yeager, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, POV First Person, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 21:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10975269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreepyLittleLullaby/pseuds/CreepyLittleLullaby
Summary: What hurt worse that the overwhelming sadness?Love.And when you feel like you deserve all the suffering in the world. Love is the better option then succumbing to depression.After all, what else can slowly rip you apart without letting you actually die?





	Thousand Times

I don’t know why I let him always do this to me. He’s my best friend I guess. But even as a best friend I don’t know if I wouldn’t have gotten sick of it by now. It’s probably because I love him. Yeah. It’s because I love him that I let him constantly come over to my house when he’s been kicked out yet again. It’s also probably why I always cook for him when he even breathes the word. Or do anything he asks of me. Learning to brew tea just the way he likes it. Learning how to even make fucking tea cause its fucking disgusting to me. 

Why do I let him do this to me again?

It feels like I’m a slave to a man who barely acknowledges me as even more than a friend.

But I love him.

Even when he leaves me alone for months. Going out with different guys. Leaving me alone in my stuffy apartment, because of the plain fact that all our friends are also busy with their own lives. If my own best friend ditches me for other guys why would anyone else want to spend their precious free time with me anyway? I’m not bitter. Just. Resigned. It’s the plain truth as bluntly as I can put it. And that’s okay. I don’t need to have someone’s attention constantly.

Trust me. During this many year pining after the same guy thing, I’ve perfected the art of not minding. 

I know. I need to let him go someday. Let him make his own mistakes and clean up his own mistakes. That one day I need to say enough was enough and live my own life. Live as his friend and nothing more. Maybe even get my own man with hopefully better taste after I moved thoroughly on over him.

But I just. Can’t.

The thought even hurts. 

So, I’ll sit here on this sofa like now, with the cup of coffee warm in my hands as I absentmindedly watch some Netflix series as I unwind from my job at the local tutoring center. There’s a knock at my door, and I will know immediately who it is. Because for some strange reason when you’ve loved someone as long as I have you can tell everything about them. From their footsteps. To their breathing. To even the way they knock on the fucking useless door.

I’m way too whipped for my own good if I’m honest to myself. Even Hanji says that. And she’s been routing for me since the day she found out. Always silently consoling me as he brought home different men. All varying degrees of hotness and niceness.

All better than my ugly ass.

It hurts a man’s ego to see other good looking man. Especially if they’re with the guy/girl/what the fuck ever you’re crushing after. It just feels like they’re constantly rubbing it in your face. Like ‘ha-ha! Look what I got! Something you don’t fucking have you hopeless nerd.’ It’s basically middle school jocks all over again if you get what I’m saying. 

I need to let him go.

Yet, as he stands in front of me in the doorway. Eyes barely red at all, but in pain anyway from my all-knowing hallmark bullshit eyes. I let him in just like I always have. Just letting him waltz into my window. Into my house, home, heart. All the hellish heartbreaking ‘h’ words you can let a loved one into to complete destroy you and everything you are. 

He’ll slump on the couch, and I’ll go get the kettle to make him a cup of tea and grabbed his favorite chips in the pantry. Still fresh because I keep buying them even though this is the first time in four months that I’ve ever seen him. He just thinks I like that flavor too.

Dill and vinegar is disgusting on potato chips. But I’ll keep my mouth shut if it makes him happy.

I’ll sit down and he’ll curl up next to me. Sharing my blanket and leeching off of my body heat in the silence just like we always have. In the silence, just gently leaning against each other as we watch some completely nonsense show. And he’ll say the same thing.

“Why can’t any of them be like you Eren?” And I’ll keep my lips shut tight. Because I know that he doesn’t mean it. Who would mean it with a depressed, angry, little shit like me that shouldn’t even be breathing? But he gets angry when I put myself down, so I’ll just smile as he tramples down my heart like a stream roller and just let him curl closer. Asking myself why do I do this to myself. Only to feel his soft hair against my neck and his breathing form leaning against my chest, as I smile freely and easily to myself for the first time in a while and remember why I deal with so much abuse and pain from the world.

Because I love him.

I love him and I’ll let him break me.

Over.

And over.

And over.

A thousand times more.

Because the pain and relief a noose could give me, is nothing compared to the high and the crash that Levi’s mere presence gives me sadly enough. Suffering. Even just for him. One-sidedly suffering in silence. Was fine. As long as he was happy.

Because I love him.

I really, really do.


End file.
